Minecraft Sucks

Monday, August 4, 2014 | 67

I really don't like fat people who wear fedoras. They (the hats) are stupid, and it's impossible to look cool in one. Oh yeah, and they make you look even balder than everyone already knows you are.

You're not fooling anyone...

It isn't a good look for anyone ever, and creating an anomalous indie hit doesn't mean people can't see you. Picky details aside, Minecraft has existed too long and needs to die for a number of reasons.

1. The price is bullshit.


I don't mean the price is too high, but when the game was in alpha, it was about 15 bucks and has (ever so gradually) DOUBLED IN PRICE. They have the right to charge whatever they want, but much of the leg-work to keep Minecraft playable was developed by the community, so what the fuck? Coincidentally the price of Minecraft has increased at the same rate as the black-market price of human blood. Eerie.


Oddly specific-seeming number...

2. Voxels are hideous.


I understand, for simplicity sake, why the game is written around Voxels, but Minecraft's success caused games with actual financial backing to think it's totally fine to make boxy garbage. It isn't. Minecraft looks the way it does because it was made in a damp basement by an amateur. I guess it's not Mojang's fault that they are being ripped off by the lazy copycat game development culture, but someone needs to be blamed. An ugly game was made, and is now being spun off into next-gen ugly games. Sigh.

On top of self-limiting with over-simplified shapes, there is no attempt at all to ease eye-strain with pleasant textures or palettes.


"Nice try Billy, but did your dad make us some *REAL* graphics?"

3. Java clients suck.


In an ideal world, nobody would have the Java Runtime Environment installed on their gaming rigs. This should be self-explanatory to anyone who has ever attempted to run a Java app in Windows. I'm hoping to get some Java defenders in the comments section for laughs.


Blonk!

4. It's dumb.


Man. It just is. It's so fucking dumb. Unless you drink from a sippy-cup and have piles of legos scattered across your carpet, you should just learn AutoCAD or something productive.

Breakdown:

Graphics: 0/10 Sanded Legos
Gameplay: 1/10 Click click click... click
Originality: 5/10 Uniquely garbage
WoW Clone: 10/10 No similarities
PvP Type: ??/10 Server Defined
PvP Risk: ??/10 Server Defined
Block-hell: -9998/10 Just stop it!

Final Score: Mom's Spaghetti (vomit on his sweater already)


67 comments :

  1. Java.
    It is true that Java is complete rubbish. However if it weren't for Java, there would be no mods for minecraft. We could not use all those terribly written codepacks written by hipsters on their Apple devices and play on modified servers coded by linux nerds.

    Java is unsafe, easy to hack, happily accepts all software abominations and spawns legions of bad programmers that do not have to ever think about performance, memory or hardware compatibility. It is a perfect place for such entity as modded minecraft to emerge.

    Vanilla Minecraft could run perfectly on 100mb of RAM if it was written in C++, but it would never be as easily moddable and hackable as it is now.

    20€ is a scum

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  2. Do you prefer the current strategy of pricing games then? Where they want huge sums of money for alpha and beta access. Thanks, Kickstarter, for showing devs we are willing to fork out lots of cash for unfinished products.

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  3. This may be the perfect comment.

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  4. Indie games are usually priced fairly

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  5. Not true. Or at least any indie game that uses kickstarter to get off the ground. Remember when planet annihilation was 90 bucks on steam?!?!

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  6. I said 'usually', but they can charge whatever they want. If it goes from 90 to 160 I'll be more worried.

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  7. MineCraft, one of the only games left where WYSIWYG. It looks like ass, it plays like ass, it makes you feel like ass. It is ass.

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  8. It's natural for games to back off their original goals, but usually consumers aren't aware what those goals were. Kickstarter sets us up for failure.

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  9. That is accurate. Though in the case of spending so much money, I would rather wait for the orig product to be produced to meet those goals. I would rather lose time and play it later, rather than get a half finished piece of shit with a bunch of houses and cutsie emotes.

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  10. There is a weird culture of ignorant people pretending to be old-school on kickstarter as well. Most of those people never even played UO, or even less-so played the Ultima series.

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  11. I can tell you from the side of running a Kickstarter project, I was SHOCKED when backers insisted they would only give money if we put an unfinished product into their hands. I'd always considered Early Access to be the greatest sham ever, but it's what people want.

    Think Miguelito got it--sometimes, transparency early on sets us up for failure because a lot of things change in gamedev over a couple years. And like my 6 yr old, who thinks I can create a videogame in 3.75 minutes by using my laptop, gamers are used to seeing the end result and not the journey.

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  12. If only free money weren't so d*ng appealing...

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  13. Voxels may be hideous, but I assume that the primitive graphics allow primitive people to customise their stuff and have it look like it belongs in the gameworld. That's probably something they like. I myself found out that it's a lot easier to make nice looking areas with tiles than with the Neverwinter Nights 2 editor.

    And yes, great job on the unbridled hatred. You bring balance to the Force.

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  14. I don't hate voxels as much as I hate how the success of one game sets the course of trendy bullshit for years. Great classics like Final Fantasy tactics used cubic design without slinging trash in my eyes.

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  15. Only because mashing my '!'-button with extra determination does not translate well into text. Consider this a pro-tip when one can't use italics, bold text and underlining.

    Don't think your patronizing flattery is going to distract from your faltering.

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  16. Somebody needs more hugs. Here come cuddles!

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  17. But is not "Shroud of the Avatar" the greatest thing that hasn't happened yet?

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  18. Minecraft is the game Lego wishes THEY had developed! But the poor souls over-estimated humanity's good taste and lack of insipidness. They still cry themselves to sleep over it.

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  19. I had a lego computer game many years before Minecraft that had better graphics and a larger feature-set. If only they had jacked up their price over time...

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  20. Yes, that was a redeeming article. But you must screen your guest writers or run the risk of insipid happiness running a muck!
    Who knows, as a result, you may even have to resort to censorship!

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  21. And miss out on these comments?

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  22. And now the worms come out of the woodwork! GG!

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  23. If you're trying to pull a guest writer spot, you had me at "WTF"

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  24. Or the worst. Both of you are slamming Java without any real reasoning behind your criticisms. Is Java an ideal language to develop a 3d game client in? Probably not. Is that because Java is a horrible programming language? No. Java is just fine.

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  25. That's probably why the article isn't entitled, "Java sucks", with the supporting evidence being:


    1. Minecraft
    2. Minecraft
    3. Minecraft
    4. Mi...

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  26. Depends on who you ask. If you're an unimaginative dredge who just wan'ts to carebear out all day and decorate your in-game house, then it is already the best game ever.

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  27. Java is good if you are a high school student getting your head around process and you want to make sure a robust compatibility between platforms. However C# is most certainly the stronger of the two and it isn't even a question if we're talking about Windows.

    Want pointers, values, integers, great set of code features? C#.

    This isn't even taking into effect that Java is so vulnerable to vulnerabilities, it is pretty much malware IMO.

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  28. Lol best part of this reply : Want pointers, values, integers, great set of code features? C#

    Fuck yeah - POINTERS VALUES AND INTEGERS

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  29. Not sure if serious? I do apologise for my english, it is not my first language.


    I read an article a while back, Java was releasing an update to fix a critical zero day exploit they were informed of about a year prior. Upon the release, two more zero day exploits were logged, and in the following few days of patches six more. This is exactly why we audit workstations and servers in our infrastructure and remove Java on all endpoints which are not approved. I don't think anyone could possibly argue that Java is in any way not, vulnerable, to any number of, vulnerabilities, at any release.


    As for calling me on the definition of an integer, I think you might be able to do better than that. Keep tryin bro!

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  30. Holy cupcakes, this just got serious! Can we just agree that Perl sucks?

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  31. I don't think anyone could possibly argue that ANY runtime environment is 100% secure. At the same time no one is attempting to gain access to your devices through your minecraft client. Does the Oracle JVM have security holes? Yes. Are there multiple implementations of the JVM from different authors? Yes. Is the CLR 100% secure? No.


    I don't need to try any harder - why the hell would you highlight integers as a feature of a programming language if you're trying to sell it? Why'd you even bring up C# in the first place? Java features common data types like integers too.


    Lmao Mig will get me going. The truth is - no programming language sucks. They just all have specific cases where they shine. That's why so many of them exist. It's knowing what tool to use in what scenario that empowers you as a developer - not standing on a pulpit spewing venom at one language and praising another. It just makes you look dumb - but Mig is trolling.

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  32. Unsigned? On Char? The results have to be passed back into char from an int. Any case, this could be a result of my english, it is still hard for me to have two way conversations and be sure what I am reading and typing doesn't come out looking like MineCraft in the end :P I am sure you code Java like a Jedi, go forth young Codewalker, embrace the Vulnerabilities!

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  33. I wish I could use bad English as an excuse for not making any sense.

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  34. Tell that to Java Tusk in DOTA cowards!

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  35. Minecraft (Multiplayer with friends) is fun as long you are using AutoHotkey for the mining.

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  36. Can you use AutoHotkey for the playing as well? And AutoHotkey for lying to your spouse about what you're doing?

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  37. Yea it's very practical if you are building a giant castle or wall. I started using AH while playing Darkfall 1 because of the huge amount of spells and lack of keys on the keyboard. Oh and no wife here!

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  38. Java works for "commercial" server applications and boring Android webpage skins. If this is where you work, I truly feel sorry for you.

    In games, where the platform is known, where you have less than 15 milliseconds to generate each frame, there is no room for slack. I really don't know about C#, but writing high performance code in C++ (especially C++11) is much easier than in any interpreted language. It's not that I'm biased. I know well also JS, PHP and decently Java. Its pleasant to write apps there. But stuff you can do easily with pointers, stack, custom memory allocation, vectorization (i.e. 4-8 calculations on single core at once), hairy thread management and templates is just incredible.

    Java app is pretty much open source. It'd be stupid to release any big commercial app with its source code. In C++ DLL infrastructure would have to be created in order to allow any mods to work. In Java it is not necessary. Stuff can be added without any effort put from developers' side.

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  39. Did someone mention Perl Harbor? Don't go there dude, just dont, or im gonna bite ur head off like a python

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  40. I've checked Starbound on steam and it seems it's unfinished piece of garbage, at least from 80% of steam reviews.
    I also tried 7 days to die, but memory leak every 2 hours stopped to be amusing really fast.
    But cheers to that early access hell / minecraft sucks articles - I was browsing steam and there REALLY ARE TONS of minecraft/terraria early access clones that usually suck horribly. Unturned was greenlit? On my god why?

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  41. I'm not sure how people could give Starbound negative reviews, as it currently plays great and they update it non-stop. I played it quite a bit a number of months ago.

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  42. I would like to write something similar to Slacker but my english sucks. WTF is this shitty post? I want insults and hate, not gay love for some awful game.

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  43. They complain its a huge grind fest because of the pixel... Hm, guess I should give it a try at least to get my own opinion..

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  44. A procedural infinitely huge universe could be considered grinds for the unromantic. :-D

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  45. Yeah, so based on your responses to Miguelito had already figured out you didn't have a wife. Migu elite is trying to say that any game where you can autohotkey your way through the game is not a game at all. It's a shirt pointless movie with horrible video graphics. Mine craft is worse than Rift's pointless macro garbage...oh shit...incoming Miguelito rant! LOL

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  46. Words like insipidness aren't going to make you friends on this website...Six letters a word is the max around here.

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  47. too expensive for some game that is mostly popular because of multiplayer; just think about it. i only played it because of multiplayer and it KILLED time; playing (half the time was chatting, jumping around, arguing with noobs who think that gold should be called "butter", wasting time) like 5 hours a day. i stopped playing it and i am so grateful for escaping the "minecraft multiplayer trap.


    also, don't forget Youtube. minecraft has a huge collection of videos on youtube, and there are so many popular minecraft youtubers. that's probably so many people play it/buy it: they watch the countless videos and think it's fun.


    minecraft singleplayer is just the same thing over and over. creative is better since you can build kind of like legos without spending thousands of diamonds for a small diamond house, and it's 3d. so i'll give it a little credit for that.


    multiplayer can be a little fun, but addicting in an unhealthy way. there are more options due to Bukkit API and programming plugins for it. there are many pvp minigames that attract people. multiplayer survival? same thing over and over. i'll give it credit for it's pvp


    TL;DR minecraft is not worth the price at all, it's popularity is from youtube, and the "better part" of minecraft comes solely from metagame

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  48. Sounds like you dumped in 100s of hours. Definitely was not worth the price of admission.

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  49. I totally agree, i hate mmo's rtsg's and any game where your building citys or any of that crap, minecraft, iv never played it but know never to touch that pieca crap

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  50. Should have said, "I'm going to slowly constrict to suffocate you like a python". Pythons kill boringly, bro.

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  51. Apparently Minecraft sucks so bad it is only worth about two billion
    dollars:
    http://online.wsj.com/articles/microsoft-near-deal-to-buy-minecraft-1410300213?cb=logged0.399755350779742

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  52. Jerry Jones is worth 3.2 billion.

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  53. He is MMO-related? How?
    Or do you mean he sucks big time generally speaking?

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  54. He is the owner of the most profitable sports franchise in the US, despite them being terrible for the last decade. I'm just saying that money doesn't mean quality.

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