Obligatory E3 2014 Prattle

Tuesday, June 17, 2014 | 2


I love E3.

Before you start imagining a wild-eyed Miguelito prancing around booths, I should clarify; E3 is the most hilarious freak-show on the planet. Other conventions, like Comic Con, have their gaggles of dork-ass nerds, but only E3 is solely devoted to rounding up sweaty boys and spoon feeding them corporate double-speak. That was my intro for round 1:

Microsoft's Xbone

Holy shit. The type of sycophantic worship that exists with console devotees is truly unique. Here some expert commentary from an external source:


If you're not convinced that Microsoft is going to wreck your pre-conceived notions about how multimedia and gaming should be completely proprietary and exclusive, check out the new Fable sans noted game-developer and world-class dreamer(liar) Peter Molyneux:



Suggestive weaponry aside...

Fable Legends seems to have some interesting ideas about how to refresh the franchise. These ideas do not include a Cart Riding Simulator this time. This time, Fable presents as either a four-player co-op game or a loner's revenge fantasy.

You either take on the role of one (of four) characters in an adventuring party and try and progress through a series of tower-defense traps set up by an AI or player-controlled penis-nose (villain).

This is the first attempt (to my knowledge) of attempting to create bullying on a videogame console. MOBA's have been doing it for a while, but the idea of teaming up with friends to pick on some loser who couldn't field a team is humorous and intriguing to me. It's unclear as of yet if they'll be carrying the Molyneux tradition of over-hyping features they won't be adding to the game and betraying their core audience for mass-appeal, but time will tell!

There is a new Battlefield!

However, upon realizing I'd need to install Origin to play their beta test, I opted to wipe all memory of it from my brain.



Nintendo is still weird.

As if we needed additional proof, Nintendo keeps pumping out fresh ideas on the reg while riding their existing IP's directly into the darkest part of ass-hell. That being said, Zelda.



An open world Legend of Zelda sounds pretty fresh, considering Zelda has been narrower with each title since Zelda 64 (or negotiably Link to the Past on SNES). If I knew what a Wii U (weeoo?) was, I'd definitely consider picking up this thing. Sadly, I am a PC (smart) gamer.

Without significant hardware limitations, Nintendo is basically the only company that continues to make consoles that expand gaming concepts instead of cash-grabbery. I'm not saying their consoles are great, but if I had to pick one, I'd probably go with the one attempting to keep gaming fun. Also, I can't fault them for strange naming conventions when their competition calls their third console the One.



Ubisoft is full of virgins.

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A lot of fuss has been made about Ubisoft not including a playable female assassin in Unity, but everyone already knows the real reason and they can just stop playing tough. None of these guys have actually ever seen boobs before. They estimated it would take over 10,000 hours to properly animate the bouncing, and they just don't have the budget or lotion to deal with the issue. This isn't about feminism at all!

The only thing that makes this sadder is how all the internet's pseudo-femenists jumped on the AC:U hate bandwagon. Women can speak for themselves, and they don't need a bunch of huffy nerds crying foul every time a game company makes a male-centric game for a male-dominated fan-base. It's sexist to even think they need the protection of 140lb game journalists.

It all just seems a little crazy when you consider the existence of greater offenders...



Oh, but they're European, so it's okay. Right?

Light on MMO's?

It seems like E3 got one thing right this year. I haven't heard any hype for MMORPG's other than some Shroud of the Avatar acclaim (because I follow them on Twitter). I could be completely wrong, but I typically have some AAA nonsense shoved in my face on every media website. This year, nothing. Are people done with MMO's finally? Can I be done? Is this over?

Oh yeah, fuck the PS4 too. Out.

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