How to Review MMORPG's

Thursday, January 2, 2014 | 75

I am not special.

People have some wild misconceptions about what qualifies gaming journalists to start spouting their ludicrous opinions, but the only thing that is actually required to get out there and express yourself is time. The easiest way to become popular on the internet is by having generic and average opinions about things. Clearly there is some great irony here, but you should never feel below engaging me, or anyone else, about what you agree or disagree with. Any argument improves the discourse of all involved parties. Moving on...

How to Review MMORPG's:

If you're interested in writing about video games on the internet, you've found the right guide. Believe it or not, your content will be largely based on a single factor, and I've split this up into three obvious sections for ease of understanding.

The game is running ads on your website:

The standard practice for reviewing a game that has revenue generating ads running on your website is to take whatever your actual game experiences and run them through a filter. The amount of ad revenue your site earns has a proportionate relationship to the amount of shilling you're required to do for the game. To clarify, let's review World of Warcraft.

Actual Opinion: World of Warcraft sucks dicks. (1/10)

Filtered Opinion: World of Warcraft has pandas. (8.5/10)

While similar in structure, these two reviews differ in tone. The goal of the second is to inform your loyal followers about the game that Blizzard is paying you to promote, and now your readers who have five year old children know that World of Warcraft has the correct number of fuzzy pandas for their small child to play. Win-win for the ethically bankrupt.

The game isn't running ads on your website:

Well why not? Does your site give off a vibe that shady game publishers don't want to be associated with? The standard practice for these sites is to express a fringe or unpopular opinion that builds enough traffic to attract advertisers without alienating them.

Actual Opinion: EvE Online is for fat people with autism. (3/10)

Filtered Opinion: EvE Online is a game for a specific kind of gamer. (We don't give number scores because we're dirty hippies.)

The wannabe reviewster obviously is afraid of the public backlash that goes along with calling a spade a spade. Without sacrificing integrity, this review states the truth in an innocuous way. This helps a writer look attractive to other journalists without pre-emptively ruining their potential career in journalism.

How I review MMORPG's:

There is no real big secret here. To me, playing these nightmares is a losing game of chicken. I typically install the games while reading forums to figure out what type of character I'm going to be before I start. Once I'm logged in for the first time it's a race against boredom. Typically around 10 minutes in I have enough material to give an expert opinion. I then run my opinion through a filter and make a bunch of pictures. Once I post, I wait for a wave of grammar and spelling corrections.

Actual Opinion: TERA promotes pedophilia. (1/10)

Filtered Opinion: The people who play TERA should be rounded up by a federal agency and locked away before they commit an act of molestation (-5780/10)

I wish this was a joke. Either way, in my personal opinion, you should never write anything that you wouldn't care to read. After all, you're just some rando and so am I.

75 comments :

  1. I totally disagree! With... wait a minute... Oh, right. 10 minutes to give an expert opinion for MMORPG? No way man! You are judging the first impression then and not the MMORPG as a whole. I need much more time before I "grasp" the game as a whole and before I can say, yeah, this kind of works, or nah, this sucks hard. True, I am not an expert reviewer, but still - 10 minutes? In Age Of Conan that wouldn't be even enough time to leave the first safe zone, you troll! :-)
    (Anyway for those theme park asian mmorpgs even 10 minutes is maybe far too much. I was in Turkey playing some Diablo II/Titan's Quest Turkish MMORPG - wow - innovation is really not what's driving the game industry forward, thank gods for the indie scene.)

    Gho'rak

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  2. Nobody said he's an expert, but for the most part, 10 minutes should be long enough to tell
    if the game is going to be like the rest. And
    the rest suck. He's a smart man for valuing his time enough to say
    "AWWW HELLLL NO" after 10 minutes. Let's be honest, most MMOs are
    steaming piles at this point, and anyone who spends countless hours in
    one of these soul-sucking heaps is just looking for a way to waste time.

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  3. Haha! Honestly, at launch 10 minutes was enough to know I would enjoy Age of Conan because I had (probably) already killed another player at that point. 10 minutes after they patched the shit out of it, I knew I was done.


    It is definitely enough time to tell if the controls are tight and the UI is functional. If I make it past 10 minutes, I look into other things, but I'm not Jesus. There's no way I'm going to suffer for the sins of man because I want to write more accurate reviews... unless I'm getting paid...

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  4. You sound like a prick who's got downsyndrome from being fucked with a rusty pole too much.

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  5. How does that sound exactly? Is it my vernacular?

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  6. I could get past all of this if I could only talk shit to some child on voice comms...

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  7. Yeah so it's either "pay to have fun right now, or grind for 200 hours to buy a single gun". I don't think it's a hard choice - I chose uninstalling.

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  8. The starter weapons are garbage... terrible recoil, low damage, start with iron sights....

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  9. Yeah I loved PS2 until... I actually got into the gameplay.

    I had the same experience as you with the Infiltrator. Went up behind another Infiltrator on a ridge while he was tunnel visioned on sniping... started unloading rounds into his head. It was fully auto pistol so I can't say how many rounds I put into him... but after at least 5 he jumped up and 1 shot me with his own pistol. I didn't even break his shields.

    I had another similar experience with Infiltrator... I was on a ridge and an enemy Heavy was on one of our towers... I started shooting him with the sniper rifle (which by the way sucks there's no way I could find to steady your aim...). I would say I was about 200-300 meters away from him... I landed maybe 3-4 shots on him. By the 2nd shot he turned around, knowing exactly where I was (even though he was only barely visible to me without magnification) and started shooting at me with full auto... and killed me. Again... he was at 80% shields. So the Heavies, with Pay2Win items, have superior capability to than snipers with a Pay2Win assault rifle...

    This game is fucking garbage.

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  10. "I shot, I shot, I hit the guy, in the head, everywhere = no kills!"

    That's because you didn't spend $19.99 (or farm for 500 hours) to buy the gun that kills people.

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  11. "The game is not really Pay-2-Win" - "you can buy weapons"

    lolol!

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  12. It's balanced when a Heavy Assault, at long range, can kill my Infiltrator with an assault rifle (AK-47 looking thing) before my Infiltrator can kill him with a sniper rifle, amirite?

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  13. "Not killing a turned guy shooting to his head with infiltrator means that either you were shooting slow or you missed."

    Is that why I got hit indicators? And full auto is too slow?

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  14. I'm not sure they even scratch the surface of publishers like EA.

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  15. I only needed about 30 seconds to know TESO sucks.

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  16. 'WRONG. I've seen at least 5 guns that can only be purchased with station cash (the real money currency you buy).'

    You're an idiot. The guns you can only buy with SC (premium currency) are EXACTLY THE SAME as the guns you buy for certs (earned in game), the only difference being they're a different colour (gold or black rather than white).

    All guns/weapons in this game are sidegrades, no one weapon is better than any other. Sure, some weapons might be better at range, but they suffer heavily in close quarters. It's the same in tanks; you can get armour piercing shells, but you'll be helpless against more than 4 infantry.


    Hell, the starter weapons are sometimes the best guns when used in the right conditions (range, being able to control recoil ect) compared to some of the other weapons you can buy.

    (This is coming from somebody who has sunk nearly 400 hours into the game by now).

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  17. It's more balanced and optimized than it has ever been before.

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  18. So your main issue is that you don't know how to play the game?

    'Run somewhere, get shot by someone you can't even see, die before you can react' - Isn't this true for any game? The time to kill on most weapons is actually quite high compared to other FPS games, like CoD and Battlefield. You have to think intelligently. If you were an enemy, where would you stand?

    'Spawn a million miles away' - You can always spawn at the base you died in (if your faction controls it), and any nearby spawn points. Usually you'll have 3 or 4 to choose from within 300m of where you died.

    '(recoil in this game is bad unless... you spend 100 certs - 100 fucking certs - on a grip...) ' - The grip barely does anything. Sounds to me like you can't control recoil at all. This is hardly the games fault now, is it?

    'I just want to log in, kill some noobs, and relax.' And everybody else IS doing that, only you're the one being killed. In this game, dying doesn't really matter at all. You can respawn and get out there again in under 20 seconds.

    'does not actually work in the real game because everyone has hacks that allows them to see cloaked people' - No they don't. You CAN see cloaked people rather clearly, especially when there are no other distractions around. The video you were watching was probably some guy picking off people whose attention was elsewhere, such as a tank that may have been shelling their position.

    'That's how other Infiltrators using the sniper rifle are able to head shot me from 300m away after a fresh spawn' - That has nothing to do with cloaking. These people can aim correctly, and account for bullet drop and velocity. You were probably standing still out in the open like an idiot.

    'some dude randomly goes into the corner and headshots me right away - knowing I was there somehow.' - He probably saw you go around the corner, or just used his brain. 'Hm, if I were an enemy in this room, where would I hide? Oh yeah, probably behind those boxes in that corner'.

    'Full magazine up their midline and through their head - you might ding their shields' - Evidently you're not using a 'full magazine', you're probably missing almost every shot. Players have 500 health and 500 shields, and most guns do around 150 damage. You do the maths.

    'Then they fire at you like twice and you drop. Why?' - Because they can actually aim.

    'Everyone has spent cash for those fancy weapons' - All weapons in this game have downsides and upsides. SMGs are great in close quarters, but suck big time past ~50m.

    'Oh and those big fights they talk about? Nothing but vehicle spam until one side is getting camped in their spawn zone' - That's like saying that World War 2 was just beating the Nazis back to Berlin. Planetside 2 has a constantly evolving frontline.

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  19. "The time to kill on most weapons is actually quite high compared to other FPS games, like CoD and Battlefield."

    thats funny, ive been told its a lot shorter and from what ive seen, its actually comparable, but probably a bit less.

    "You can always spawn at the base you died in (if your faction controls
    it), and any nearby spawn points. Usually you'll have 3 or 4 to choose
    from within 300m of where you died."

    no, this is not "always" true, sometimes a faction has very low territory control. and even spawning 300m away... is a huge distance to get back to where you were when you die so quickly.

    "Sounds to me like you can't control recoil at all. This is hardly the games fault now, is it?"

    well considering two factions have very "easy mode" recoil with 1 barely having any (and no bullet drop) id say yes this is the game's fault for being imbalanced.

    "And everybody else IS doing that, only you're the one being killed."

    i think you should reread this statement over and over. maybe you'll catch the stupid thing you said.

    "No they don't."

    a quick google search reveals that this game is filled, FILLED, with hackers.

    "Because they can actually aim."

    that's why 2 shots kill? 500 health 500 shield, bullets do 150 damage, do your own math...

    "That's like saying that World War 2 was just beating the Nazis back to Berlin. Planetside 2 has a constantly evolving frontline."

    yes heres the "evolution" - infantry, then "max crash" (max spam) in biolabs... in the open it's infantry, then "armor crash" (armor spam).

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  20. It's definitely not shorter. I had real issues with the amount of headshots with a sniper rifle it takes to kill a player (more than 1).


    Planetside 2 just feels like a very slow Battlefield title where you don't actually ever win.

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  21. Had absolutely no hope for that game and I wasn't disappointed.There's better quality f2p mmos, and those aren't fun either. I can not understand how some people are defending this piece of shit and hyping it. It brings nothing new to the table!

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  22. I played it for about two weeks. I couldn't login anymore after that. For me non of these games appeal to me anymore. I'm so glad that this seems to be the year of some good single player RPG's coming out. A friend of mine has been turning me on to some good indie games lately.

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  23. only takes an hour to get a gun noob, uninstall cos your shit

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  24. haha you guys just hate it cos your fucking shit at it. I havent spent a dime in this game and im br100 with every gun bought with certs. Takes no time to gain certs for good gamers like myself. I love it cos i wreck everyone.

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  25. You seem to be an intelligent and, specifically, literate individual. Most people hate the game because it's transparently a low quality cash-grab. Pay for a real game, or go play your Xbox because I know you have one.

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  26. nah most people hate it cos they get fucked up by players like me.

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  27. lol you know nothing no evidence is shown in your completely made up bs thread.

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  28. lol justin your an idiot, you have no knowledge at all with this game.

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  29. Whats really funny about TESO is watching all the fanboys freaking out because the majority of the press is saying pretty much what Andy Babbitt is saying.I just don't get why anyone would pay monthly for what looks like Skyrim Online. And Skyrim looks and plays better. With all the dlc and hundreds of mods the game won't end. The only thing TESO offers is online play and the commuinties in mmo's suck so badly now.

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  30. Sounds like someone... hates... MMORPG's. Get out of my territory.

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  31. Under penalty of pointed emails, I'm going to not violate NDA on TESO. That being said, a certain game I played that IS NOT TESO was a horrible piece of garbage with no hope for success. A certain company that is NOT ZENIMAX is in pretty big trouble with this one.

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  32. Mostly its the people that get on my nerves. Back in 2000 i loved Anarchy online. Back then mmo's were niche and the only people that played them were adult PC nerds. If you ran into a jerk back then it really surprised you. But after Wow brought mmo's mainstream it all changed and the market is flooded with them all trying to make Wow money with crappy games. And just the way people act and chat in these games is really aweful. No one has any respect for anyone its that its all about me atitude that i hate so much.

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  33. Horse shit man. The Gauss SAW, the NC starter LMG for Heavy Assault, has the highest damage output bullet for bullet.

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  34. this is a very close minded argument

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  35. The NDA on TESO has been lifted, you're free to tell the world what a horrible piece of crap that themepark zergfest really is.

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  36. You are a complete idiot......all weapons come with iron sights .. you cant buy them with real money, you have to use certz (time) to get different sights and attachments for each and every weapon.

    If you really believe that the starting guns suck, then thats a clear indicator of how bad you are in fps games in general. 90% of the starting guns are god like in ps2. All you need to do is add attachments to it.

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  37. Dude seriously .. i even commented before on yet another stupid post you mentioned that all starter guns come with iron sights ....... stop posting and use a condom .. never have babies. Thanks

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  38. Hey Justin, remember me ? yeah im the guy that commented on 2 other posts again. Don't forget to use a condom... never have babies please. Thanks

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  39. Oh hey. You seem really angry and obsessed with me. I think maybe your parents should have followed the advice you're giving, then there'd be one less angry 12 year old trolling the Interwebz. Have a good one kid, this is all the time I have for you. Further comments can be made in person at


    22 Andras Rd,
    Sandy Hook, CT
    06482

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  40. I dont get why there is even a discussion here about this. The concept of PS2 is simply amazing.... can you disagree with that ? Can anyone tell me that they don't like the idea of 3 factions on a continent with endless killing to conquer land ? If you don't like that then obviously this game isn't for you. IF you do like it then PS2 offers exactly that.

    There is only 1 clear solution here... the author and anybody else who dislikes this game, clearly only like map based fps for solo play. Joining an outfit and working in a team against other outfits (When alerts are up ... you will always go through hell because of other organized enemy outfits) the game is simply unique and amazing.

    In general ... you are probably not an mmo kinda person anyway

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  41. The whole thing just feels like a giant Hamster wheel. The feature-set is too shallow to be a normal MMO, and the combat is too slow to be a normal FPS. Planetside 1 was much deeper as a game, but technical limitations prevented it from thriving.

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  42. If you're going to set up a nerd-brawl, can we televise it on Twitch.tv?

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  43. it went exactly opposite - prices went diabolically up.

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  44. Yeah, likely due to bots playing the market. They shut it down, but only after making an assload of cash money.

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  45. If you could destroy terrain, the entire game would just be 3 teams on a flat, decimated plain.

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  46. Alright, silly of me to come back and reply again, but I'll do it anyway.


    Why you hate Planetside 2:


    1. There are no clear "Goals"


    Unlike in a lot of MMO's, there aren't any quests or real missions given to you to be accomplished, no captured base stays that way for long, and nothing you do affects the battlefield all that much.


    Other people enjoy having very player-defined goals and not being strapped in and taken for a ride on some quest with animated visuals or events all prepared just for you. Granted, it makes the experience a lot less cool most of the time, but it feels more genuine when something interesting does happen.


    2. Fuck man, that difficulty curve......


    This game is......not beginner friendly, not in the slightest. It's made strides and bounds since this review was posted, but it's certainly still not a cakewalk.


    However the game does a GREAT job of rewarding skill and knowledge of the game. There are people out there who strike fear into the heart of the enemy when they pilot their favorite aircraft or tank. Being such an icon of fear in the heart of your enemy is a VERY rewarding experience.


    3. Lack of story


    Yeah.........I don't need to say anything about that........


    4. You were actively trying to hate this game(Duh).


    Considering your site is called ihatemmorpgs.com, you pretty much have an obligation to hate this game, and you certainly didn't bother to look for positives other than to make it seem like you were being fair to the game.


    While this game does have a lot of problems, it is certainly among the most polished F2P FPS's out there, if not THE most. For many, the unique experience in itself is enough to counter the problems this game has.


    You also obviously have a rage-boner against any kind of F2P that has to *GASP* MAKE MONEY?! You didn't even play long enough to realize that the starting guns are actually extraordinarily solid weapons and if used properly are VERY competitive.


    The gunplay in this game is hard to get used to, and it doesn't help that there are always players out there with more skill than you, but it all comes down to that, skill. The guns in this game are all specialized(unlike many other shooters), none being strictly "better" at everything than another, this applies to the default guns as well as every other gun in the game. A brand new player can still be effective on the battlefield regardless of what his enemy has.


    5. It's not finished


    This game has a TEN YEAR development plan. There are going to be an ungodly among of changes to this game and it will only get better and better. Unfortunately you came along fairly early and a lot of the problems you had are likely fixed by now (though certainly not all of them).


    6.

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  47. I'd like to discuss this with you, but it's just going to end up being you saying "no" to everything I say, without explaining yourself or caring about it.

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  48. Planetside 1 had the real game mechanic based on faction's theme, but totally killed the original game mechanic later down the road when aftershock was released. Planetside 2 is the dumb-down version of Planetside 1 mixing with COD-ish style.

    It sickens me. There's NO real body-armor in this game unlike Planetside 1. MAX armor is a freaking joke! HA and LA, barely any difference in body-armor.

    Uninstalled, and I hope Higby gets FIRED SOON!

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  49. Good work, goy. We'll make sure you get a discount on guns.

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  50. There's a massive difference between difficulty and utter bullshit. Almost every skirmish I've taken with any other player has usually resulted in me killing them because they were playing without an advantage like me or they insta-gibbed me while having 90% health remaining after lord knows how many shots I put into them that showed as a 'hit'.


    Face it, this game is a shameless cash grab that will only privilege people that do throw money at SOE.

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  51. You would think, shooting an enemy 10 meters away from you to the head with a sniper would kill him, Think again.

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  52. Speaking of reviews...your site is lacking. New fuck trophy or not, you need to get on the ball providing me with free shit to read. ESO and Wildstar both are lolworthy. Unfortunately I bought both of these hetero-challenged games. Black Desert, ArchAge...surely someone with your gaming clout (thats a thing for reals) can get free access to these games and tell me how bad they suck. Otherwise im gonna start sending you paypal invoices everytime I buy a shitty game you fail to adequately warn us about.

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  53. True enough. I'm currently working on a new site design that caters more to casual posting (as well is short-form per usual). WildStar sucks, TESO sucks... I'm not sure how to beat up on those games without re-using previous reviews of similar games because they aren't even really trying anymore.


    ArcheAge is pretty cool, but paying for a testing phase seems really shady to me.

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  54. Yeah I have hovered over the "Buy Now" button on the ArcheAge website for a while now. $150 for an "alpha" of a game that has been released for over a year and a half now and supposedly just being translated or westernized is shady indeed.


    Black Desert has finalized negotiations with a NA/EU publisher and may be coming down the pipe soon too.

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  55. I know a ton of guys playing AA right now, but their character is gone once the game releases (unless they want to play on the test server). That's a sizable investment for something that is going away soon,.

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  56. Indeed, you're failing us. I really wouldn't care if you made a site with all your previous reviews, i read them over and over and never get tired, it's good stuff.

    Hey, you should make some games now. Isn't failing us what game companies do?

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  57. I agree, this is the shittiest p2w game i have ever experienced in my gamer life

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  58. Clearly, your review is immensely opinionated. I wonder if you played the game at all. Even if you did play it, I am quite sure you played it with a clouded mind, and never let the enjoyment of the massive wars settle at all.

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  59. It is quite fun, but it does really piss me off when people who pay2win and have the most over-powered weapons. It is even more unfair how the people who are around lvl50 have unlocked a weapon that kills you in 4 shots, and the new players start off with a semi-balanced arsenal of weapons but still suck

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  60. Its a pay to advance faster, not pay to win. Get your facts strait on that one. You can do just as much damage with the starting weapons as you can with others. Not one weapon in the game is better than any other. They all have their situations where they excel and other where they dont.

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  61. fkn dumbass. that doesn't matter. TTK is the only stat you should care about. go fkn die you stupid fkn brony piece of shit. celestia is best pone, your OC is shit, and luna sucks cock. discord is the true god, bow down faggot.

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  62. this is the gayest fukin review site I've ever fkn seen. it's a biased piece of shit and anyone that com here for actual reviews is fking autistic. this review is the definition of cherry picking. whoever wrote this piece of total dumpster juice, I hope you fuking have every single bone in your body crushed and then be eaten alive by vultures you stupid fucking worthless pile of human refuse.
    fuck you, and fuck the person that raised you. holy shit no, you weren't fuking raised you stupid fucking orphan bitch. you'd have to have real fucking parents to actually be able to write something that makes a little bit of fucking sense.
    FUCK YOU YOU LITTLE WHORE BITCH FAGGOT POLE SMOKING CUNTMUNCHER.
    peace, faggot.

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  63. I've seen this argument before, but ultimately you're buying items that effect your abilities and that's how I define pay to win. I understand that they wouldn't make any money if they just had cosmetic items, but I don't believe in gamer welfare, so the only ethical payment model is subscription.

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  64. Hell no, this article is a piece of shit. Bunch of biased comments and exaggerating comments.

    Planetside 2 is a really great game if you have a good computer and point of view.

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  65. Nice review this game is a piece of shit

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  66. Except class abilities can only be unlocked with certs. The only things you can buy are attachments. It can be argued that the only neccessary attachment is a good sight since iron sights can be kind of hard to use on certain weapons. And if you are a good FPS gamer, you will destroy the vast majority of players in PS2 from BR 1.

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  67. Arguably the best weapon in game is the Orion. Aka the starting LMG for the VS. And the vast majority of the weapons in the game are 4 shot headshot kills. The NC starting LMG is a 3 shot headshot kill at ALL ranges.

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