Achievement Unlocked: Depression

Wednesday, December 4, 2013 | 27

Achievements are fucking pointless.

I'm not entirely sure where the phenominon began, specificially, but I have a few guesses that I would like to express in a stupid and pointless way.

It's getting out of hand.

Have gamers become so needy that we require constant feedback that what we're doing was in fact the object of the game? Do we need our hands to be held to this degree? Does anyone actually feel a sense of accomplishment because they petted an absurd amount of goats in World of Warcraft? These are questions that a few people may be asking, but, sadly, not the majority of the self-esteem generation.

In spite of the fact that the notifications destroy any level of immersion you may be experiencing in a game, can you imagine how tedious it would be if classic games had achievements interrupting your concentration? What would that look like? MYSTERY SOLVED!

What's worse?

It's bad enough that games fornicate you with praise, but many games now give you achievements for losing in spectacular fashion. This is why China is winning right now. Kids go through all levels of schooling without being subjected to any adverse stimulus, and now when they go home they get praised by their XBox for not going outside.

What could go wrong?

We're lucky there isn't some polarizing evil in the world trying to take away our cushy lifestyle because if there was they would face no resistance. Guess what kiddos! Soon your parents will all be dead and you'll have to figure out this life thing for yourself. Your government won't be able to protect you because they'll be broke from giving free money to bully victims or some other bullshit cause, and Ron Paul isn't going to live forever either (despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary).

If you get an achievement and feel any warm fuzzy feeling, you should probably pull the plug on your computer and go do something in the real world.

Valve is hilarious.

You PC gamers may have noticed some achievements outside of games, but by far my favorite is the Achievements you unlock for buying products from a retailer. I'm sure there is at least a handful of people who bought everything from the Steam Summer Sale because it unlocked an achievement, but those people are the WORST.

Here's how money works:

Money has a value to individuals. Products have a value to individuals. When a product has a value to you that is higher than the amount of money requested, you exchange it. The seller now has money that they valued more than the product that they sold, and a buyer has a product that they value. This is how wealth is multiplied (sort of). If you purchase a product you don't want so an image pops up, you are essentially donating your money to a company. This is called charity. Valve co-founder Gabe Newell is worth over 1.5 billion dollars. He doesn't need your charity.

Woah, tangent.


  1. Whole-heartily agree. Sadly, what were POINTS (remember those things?!?) in every game we played growing up which measured how good or BAD you were and made no apologies about it are now replaced by bright and shiny Achievements that you just plod through like checkpoints. YAY for gaming's downfall.

  2. Exactly. Many of the popular mods for Skyrim and the like are directed specifically at making them less laughably easy. I want to see someone beat Skyrim punch-out style with no saved games!

  3. I like achievements. Well, I like some achievements. If they're too difficult I don't like them. I see them more as a "here's something you can do if you want to". That gives me direction, the freedom to ignore it, and a supposedly impartial judge who decides success or failure. I could just make up some challenges on my own I suppose, but then I wouldn't know if they'd be too easy or too difficult.

    Oh, wait... I don't really play those kinds of games any longer. What am I even talking about? Ha ha ha... Fallen London has claimed all my time. How is that even possible with only one action every ten minutes? Oh yeah, it's because I just want to marinate in another world. Don't want to think about this one.

  4. You know... we still have points in some video games. They are more casual in nature. Counterstrike and TF2 both utilize points, with achievements just being for fun.

    As for save games, we couldn't save back then because the hardware couldn't save. I do not want to go back to a time when a power surge could result in 6+ hours of lost play time. This wasted more time on games, not less. It didn't make games more difficult, it made them more tedious. People have save games because we have to leave the house and go to work during certain hours and can't just leave out consoles on for extended periods of time.

    And yeah, Skyrim was easy, but other games aren't, and the modifications for Skyrim have nothing to do with making it like Punch Out (which was a horrible game). They make it more difficult by adding factors in that make you think.

  5. Punch Out is horrible and new games make you think... It must be opposite day! :D

  6. After 10+ years of absence I feel myself sucked into taming AGAIN! >.< damn .. there goes my healthy day/night rhythm
    This shard has it right.

  7. I never got why they added this to mmo's Now i do

  8. It didn't make games more difficult, it made them more challenging. Of course nobody wants to replay 6 hours of progress in a game today, because they have no replay value. However, take a Donkey Kong or Pac Man, and put save games in them, and they are pointless.

  9. In my opinion achievements are made so that developers know how many people finished the game and if not where exactly did they stop.Well that is not theyre entire meaning but it is the reason you get an achievement every 15 minutes or so..

  10. This is what happens when psychology meets game industry. When it comes down to it, we are all just a bunch of monkeys with unsubstantiated feeling we are all intelligent.

    Monkey (aka average player): "Monkey like be strong!"
    Dev1: "Cool, we give them a lot of reasurance with meaningless achievements."
    Dev2: "You crazy? They would see through it and it could hurt us."
    Dev1: "Nah, monkeys are stupid."
    Monkey: "Monkey strong!"

    And the worst thing is that it really works on everyone - even if you hate it consciousely, deep down in your mind your monkey is dancing happily he accomplished something. Stupid monkeys, they'll ruin everything.


  11. If that were the case, they wouldn't be a public spectacle. At a certain point, they decided that our entitlement culture should be embraced.

  12. [Achievement Unlocked!]
    Post a comment on the blog.

    [+10 GOLD STARS]

    Sorry, I don't have anything else to say... I just wanted the achievement.

  13. Love UO forever. Joined up about a week ago and ive had so much fun. Played uo back in 1999 and this server just relives the journey I had back then. Oh yes ive been pissed off cos ive been killed and looted numerous times but in saying that there is no better feeling than shitting ur pants when pks appear. I don't think any game has made my heart race as bad as this game. At first I was worried I would have a heart attack as I was shaking and my heart was beating so fast I had to get up and walk around to calm down. After you encounter pks a few times u tend not to shit urself as much and sometimes the predator does become the pray hehe. Anywho if ur a wimp and complain a lot don't play this game, that's what screwed the original up (to many ppl get butt hurt boo hoo). The server is still going strong and heaps of ppl running around so come on and give it a go :P

  14. I know this is old, but achievements are made for one purpose, to artificially increase the amount of time people play the game. Especially on consoles (where it got popular), because the more time you spend in-game, the more likely people you know will want to play. It's that simple.

  15. So how about that Guise of The Wolf?
    Achievements there reward you with a ring tone from the 90s

  16. so, so true.



    achievements must DIE. unless they make the game fun. and that is NOT most games.
    also, kill this ridiculous notion that we don't need good story for a great rpg. I have made the vile vile mistake of playing Torchlight and Sacred Gold after playing the DIVINE Divine Divinity 1. KILL ME NOW. GREAt visuals, negative degree of story.
    cue the Elephant's Ass, because one of these things is NOT. LIKE. THE. OTHERS.

    ya with me bras?

    "Blameeeeeee... Glados is to BLAMMMMMEEEe"

  17. --------------------------
    Achievement Unlocked: Long Comment 1/1

    You have made (1) long comment and nobody will read past the first few words.

    The South Park RPG has better storytelling than anything released in the last 5 years, with the exception of maybe Bioshock Infinite.

  18. [18:56:30] Want to continue acting like a immature little shit and breaking irc rules? If so I can remove your privledges from this chat.
    [18:57:01] immature little shit? If I am breaking irc rules, then are you not just throwing them out the window with that?
    [18:57:22] Yes whining like a child
    [18:57:26] over an event
    [18:57:37] because I get trolled every time
    [18:57:39] no info
    [18:57:47] I am not in the cool crowd
    [18:57:55] so i get stuck running around for hours\
    [18:58:05] and called names by the devs
    [18:58:09] awesome event
    [18:58:27] immature little shit
    [18:58:32] i like that one
    [18:58:39] thnks
    [19:00:01] Goodbye
    [19:00:07] Your attitude isn't welcome here
    [19:00:08] nor is your whining
    [19:00:32] roger that cool guy
    [19:00:35] thanks again
    [19:00:36] WE put hours/upon weeks into these events. You aren't required to participate if you arne't getting anything this is your problem not ours.
    [19:00:43] i will be sure to tell everyone this is how you act
    [19:01:01] Enjoy your in game ban too and go right ahead.
    [19:01:08] ok... thank
    [19:01:10] again
    [19:01:22] i have only put hours
    [19:01:26] and money in to your game
    [19:01:28] it is cool
    [19:01:46] countless hours
    [19:01:51] and always help people
    [19:01:59] and always spread how good this server is
    [19:02:02] but awesome
    [19:02:10] Pointless Threats lol
    [19:02:14] Just proving my point
    [19:02:16] Immature little shit
    [19:02:20] i did not threaten you
    [19:02:20] welcome to ignore.
    [19:02:27] i am telling you that i have been a dedicated member
    [19:02:33] but i have not given hundreds of dollars
    [19:02:38] so you are pitching a fit
    [19:02:43] over me not liking your event
    [19:02:58] that i have spent yet again countless hours running around only to be told that it is over
    [19:03:00] you seem immature wyver
    [19:03:00] face eaten
    [19:03:00] --- spawn is now known as Unidentified7255
    [19:03:00] dick also ripped off
    [19:03:00] hm
    [19:03:01] lol
    [19:03:03] When was the last save?
    [19:03:05] Lol
    [19:03:09] Again!/
    [19:03:11] ??
    [19:03:13] just before ﷯
    [19:03:15] Phew!
    [19:03:16] Lol
    [19:03:19] can we please ban wyverenight
    [19:03:21] lol oh he did
    [19:03:23] lol
    [19:04:01] lol.... you are getting a kick out of this huh?
    [19:04:07] well i am glad i could make your day
    [19:04:19] nice that THIS is what gets you in arms
    [19:06:41] what were the irc rules i broke BEFORE you called me a "immature little shit"?
    [19:06:48] huh?
    [19:06:59] and how is that even remotely a correct response?
    [19:07:11] for a first time offender and long time member?
    [19:07:41] I would like to know what your response would be if encountered like that

  19. Do not join this shard.... The entire staff caters ONLY to their large donators, barely takes the players into account and runs off any large guild of reds in fear of losing their server... so they use their powers to pick on "those that might destroy our server" and auto bans them and helps other groups of blue players chase around those they deem unworthy or a "risk" so that they do not actually have to ban them... just make them quit.

  20. Shane banned me from IRC early on from asking why they banned a thief. Helps them maintain the illusion of hardcore without actually changing the rules. UO will never be good again because people will never be good again.

  21. This page is AWESOME! I wonder why I've never come across this page before

  22. "Your typical UO Shard owner is a narcissistic twenty-something nerd with a god-complex"

    Shane is a narcissistic twenty-something nerd who got removed from the staff of another shard and banned for using his GM powers to create items that he then sold to players under the radar for real money. Good enough? Have some more anyway, on the house.

    He advertised UOF before release by joining every subreddit and Facebook group for every other shard he could find - he considers them 'rivals' - and repeatedly spamming a message where he claimed to be an eager player who had been following the development of an "awesome new shard" and couldn't wait to play with people. When called out on this, he responded mostly with "Shut the fuck up, I'm in advertising professionally, you got no clue kids, get on my level."

    Not long ago, he dealt with reports of a player selling & buying items (hey, just like he used to!) by sending them private messages in IRC, demanding to know the name of the person they bought ingame items from, promising to unban them if they snitched, then telling them to "fuck off" when they declined, calling them a "piece of shit."

    Now from my point of view, whether you're doing this in your spare time or not, you are fucking OBLIGATED as a server admin to behave like a goddamn grownup, not some foulmouthed child with a God complex. If you want to run a secret custom shard for you and your friends, do that. If you want to open it to the general public and let anyone join, then LEARN TO BEHAVE LIKE A FUCKING PROFESSIONAL.


  23. For what it's worth, you can get away with basically anything on UOSA that isn't - A. afk resource gathering B. duping C. actually causing the server to shut itself down. Derrick has a moderation approach of "it's not my fucking problem if it's not breaking the game" (not his words, you understand).

  24. ever heard of the indie game called the stanley parabel? there are achievements like "you can't jump (no seriously, we disabled it) or my favourite "go outside (don't play the game for five years)
    it has also an interesting story

  25. Definitely. Achievements used ironically should be permitted.


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