MMORPG Personality - Twitch Celebrity

Sunday, June 23, 2013 | 4

Are you good at a videogame?

I don't mean 'good enough', I'm asking if you're so good that thousands of hypothyridic donut jockeys pack in your live-stream to figure out what fiber-cereal gives you the edge when you play your game. Are you so good that your username and/or handle in every online game is your address? Have you ever earned money playing your game of choice?

Well, fuck you. Nobody cares.

It's people like you that make playing competitive online games agonizing. Not everyone has your mental disability, and we're just trying to have fun. When you mention in voice chat that you're a pro, and boss everyone around in order to

Natural habitat.

win, understand that we're having less fun and everyone hates you for it.

The only reason you still exist in this world is because of the anti-bullying culture ushered in by your PTA parents, and because you spent all of your time mastering Counter-Strike instead of learning a skill you will be homeless at age 30 when neurological degeneration takes hold. E-Sports will never be real sports, and your dad doesn't think you're an athlete, even though he still brags about a tee ball trophy you won in second grade before you developed photosensitivity and retreated to the basement for good.

How to spot the Twitch Celebrity

Luckily, the TC is extremely easy to spot, as they're attention seeking in nature and proud of their illness. These are a few tell tale signs:

  • They have a URL in their name.
  • They mention that they're live streaming.
  • They have an inhuman win/loss ratio (where applicable).
  • They are immune to and irritated by casual banter.

My recommendation, if you become entangled with a TC is to get out of whatever situation you're in. It's just not worth it. Move on to a new group/raid/pairing where people are having fun so you don't have to turn the game you're playing into work. Screw that.

Why are these people playing MMORPGs?

They're playing MMORPG's because MMORPG publishers found out via WoW (how else?) that they're easy prey. Shitty instanced PvP arenas are the perfect bait to robotic power-gamers, and so it would be foolish of developers to leave this basic feature out, regardless of how tired and irritating the predictability has become.

In a time before battlegrounds, Twitchstars didn't flock to MMORPG's because the likelihood that they'd lose in an organic encounter is much higher, and their virtual street-cred depends on their ability to curb-stop newbies and AFK miners.

Check out more MMORPG Personalities


  1. Its ironic because in sandbox games (most noticeably MO) most of the "veterans" street-cred depends on their ability to curb-stop newbies and AFK miners. That was probably the point, nether the less I enjoyed reading the article. :)

  2. When I played Mortal it was way too glitchy to be twitchy. Are people still playing these days?

  3. People will always be playing Mortal, its slowly picking up pace and the future looks brighter then ever, the game might even be playable by 2015 now. But in all seriousness development speed is increasing and the changes being made are great, but there is still a long way to go. After the TC patches in a few months to once again rebuilt the broken and useless war systems you should check it out again.

  4. I may or may not do that. My spare time evaporated when my wife popped out a little one.


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