Tuesday, February 5, 2013 | 4
The world's most confusing Dating Sim is back!The third installment of the card-collecting and potioneering simulation has been announced here, and the rumor mill is already churning. I have exclusive access to this rumor-mill, and it seems legit. Don't take my word for it, but you should also always definitely take my word for it!
- Gerault's ponytail will have over 12,000 polygons and each hair will be animated individually.
- There will be dynamically generated weather that can have numerous effects on Gerault's ponytail.
- Gameplay is estimated at over 10,000 hours if you spend the recommended 9,990 hours carefully examining ponytail physics in all possible situations.
- Gerault's ponytail has over 6,000 lines of dialogue including various story-bending moral choice options.
- You will have the customization options of "White Ponytail", "Whiter Ponytail", and "Coon-skin Cap". They all look identical.
- Due to time constraints, ponies will no longer have tails.
- Traditional swordplay has been replaced with a strategic Breast-Card game where certain nipples have various powers and counters.
- There will be over 62,000 sexy cut scenes with 32% more awkward dead-eyed ladies than before.
- It will be less transparently obvious that none of the developers for the Witcher 3 have ever seen a naked woman in real life.
- Potion mixing menus will be replaced with realistic motion controls that require you to embarrassingly grind various herbs in a mortar and pestle in front of your friends and family.
- There will be 3 difficulty modes, but you won't be able to beat the first boss on any of them.
- The story takes place on the eerie Horny Island, which is vaguely reminiscent of a dirty Iranian brothel.
- Gerault will be faced with moral choices about which breasts he wants to prod first.
- The Witcher 3 will be exclusively on the Wii U and Virtual Boy.
- CDP has licensed the likeness of Sonic the hedgehog.
I know I used this already, but the theory still applies. The Witcher 3 is going to deviate from excellence proportionately with other trilogies.