The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt Rumors

Tuesday, February 5, 2013 | 4

The world's most confusing Dating Sim is back!

The third installment of the card-collecting and potioneering simulation has been announced here, and the rumor mill is already churning. I have exclusive access to this rumor-mill, and it seems legit. Don't take my word for it, but you should also always definitely take my word for it!

The Rumors

  • Gerault's ponytail will have over 12,000 polygons and each hair will be animated individually.
  • There will be dynamically generated weather that can have numerous effects on Gerault's ponytail.
  • Gameplay is estimated at over 10,000 hours if you spend the recommended 9,990 hours carefully examining ponytail physics in all possible situations.
  • Gerault's ponytail has over 6,000 lines of dialogue including various story-bending moral choice options.
  • You will have the customization options of "White Ponytail", "Whiter Ponytail", and "Coon-skin Cap". They all look identical.
  • Due to time constraints, ponies will no longer have tails.
  • Traditional swordplay has been replaced with a strategic Breast-Card game where certain nipples have various powers and counters.
  • There will be over 62,000 sexy cut scenes with 32% more awkward dead-eyed ladies than before.
  • It will be less transparently obvious that none of the developers for the Witcher 3 have ever seen a naked woman in real life.
  • Potion mixing menus will be replaced with realistic motion controls that require you to embarrassingly grind various herbs in a mortar and pestle in front of your friends and family.
  • There will be 3 difficulty modes, but you won't be able to beat the first boss on any of them.
  • The story takes place on the eerie Horny Island, which is vaguely reminiscent of a dirty Iranian brothel.
  • Gerault will be faced with moral choices about which breasts he wants to prod first.
  • The Witcher 3 will be exclusively on the Wii U and Virtual Boy.
  • CDP has licensed the likeness of Sonic the hedgehog.
I know I used this already, but the theory still applies. The Witcher 3 is going to deviate from excellence proportionately with other trilogies.

Too Linear? How about ludicrous scale?

Since the strange playerbase of the series have complained that they couldn't get completely lost in the vast and linear Witcher series, they've expanded the world to a scale larger than even Skyrim! This will not effect your play-time because there are fewer quests and activities in the gigantic empty world.

I hope you're all as excited as me!

Leave your additional tips and rumors below. Let's make sure The Witcher 3 is exactly the game we wanted it to be!


  1. Witcher fan boy here to add more!!!

    -New 4th and 5th style combined with a new tea drinking craft skill for even more confusion during combat!

    -Boobs on the dice board game so you get Fap material during mini games as well

    -200% more F words thrown into dialogue at awkward situations for an even more "gritty" and "hardcore" feel

    -Geralt may be sterile but that no longer stops his love interest from adopting children. Visit your hearthfire to play with your kidos!

  2. There was an inordinant amount of accessory swearing in the Witcher 2. Did you know that ponytails were NEVER cool?

  3. Ponytails are awesome. Unlike the Witcher, which was too boring for me to finish. But I just found out that Witcher 3 will be multiplayer, where every mirror can act as a portal to allow other Geralts to enter your world. Ponytails for everyone!


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