Dragon Age 3 Inquisition Rumors

Monday, September 17, 2012 | 5

Fans of generic medieval RPGs rejoice!

The third installment of a series that keeps on disappointing has been confirmed here, and the rumor mill is already churning. Will any of these rumors come true? No, but you should spread them as gospel anyway. Yes, I realize that Dragon Age 3 isn't a MMORPG, but I don't care.

The Rumors

  • The entire game will take place in the fictional French territory of Orlais, in the basement of a house.
  • Unnecessary gameplay features, like combat, have been replaced with unskippable cut-scenes with over 943 hours of conversation!
  • EA will require you to be logged in to 6 separate accounts simultaneously to play. To make these accounts, you must continue to solve a series of puzzles that have an ever-increasing difficulty level.
  • The game will auto-save after every 3 steps that your character makes. If you make a decision that alters the game rules, all of your saves including your Madden12 dynasty will be deleted to preserve a sense of urgency.
  • Preorders will receive unsatisfactory new endings for Mass Effect 3.
  • Parental controls will email the player's parents if they attempt to install any nudity or sex mods without them knowing.
  • Character Creation will be a DLC. Your default character option is a lower cast dwarf girl named Rebecca Buttz.
  • Origin Stories are back... in the form of DLC! All origins will be purchasable at launch and do not effect the game in any way.
  • The Grey Wardens have been replaced by Twilight-style vampires who glow like diamonds in sunlight. There is a DLC available to return Grey Wardens.
  • Your party will be more customizable as long as you want them to look one of the 3 ways. A fourth customization will be available through DLC if you live in Asia/Pacific.
  • Due to backlash from Mass Effect 3, the game includes a variety of endings that can be purchased through DLC. The end is what you make it!
  • Dragon Age 3 will use the Frostbite 2 engine.
According to Sequel Theory, which I just made up on the spot, Dragon Age 3 will be worse than Dragon Age 2. The only saving grace is this continually repeated idea:

'The Dragon Age Team has been listening to you!'

Because you're so damn smart and know how to make millions of dollars, a successful company cares what you the gamer thinks about their games. For that reason, they've decided to damn their profitability by making the game that niche retards who complain on forums want.

I hope you're all as excited as me!

Leave your additional tips and rumors below. Let's make sure Dragon Age 3 is exactly the game we wanted it to be!

5 comments :

  1. Lol...best post i've read all day..funny..:-)

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  2. The rumor I've heard was Dragon Age 3 will require you to have a IQ no higher then 60! Anyone with a higher IQ will be beat into a coma so they can enjoy the "content" of Dragon Age 3.

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  3. - There will be 32 classes with different abilities (the abilities will be the same due the game balance of course, but will have unique cool names and unique cool graphic effects). In fact there will be only one ability - you will have to press a key in order to decrease the opponent health, but don't worry the key won't be the same for all the abilities and you will have to press it at different speed.

    Gho'rak

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  4. Thanks, I was laughing tears when I read this.

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