Age of Conan - An Exercise in Nerd Pandering

Tuesday, September 6, 2011 | 3

Age of Conan tries very hard...

However, it turns out that the modern nerd isn't always a porn-addict implant fetishist. As a matter of fact, I find myself quite offended by the idea that breasts somehow compensate for game-breaking bugs and constant rebalancing. Shame on you, Age of Conan.

In a land where all the strongest people are escaped slaves...

I applaud FunCom for setting a previously unheard of precedent of individual characters having a coherent back-story as they explore an interesting world, but all the role playing is incinerated the second you bump into any other player who has suffered all the exact same hardships you have.

Don't get me wrong, role-playing is one of the least important sets of letters in the MMORPG name, but they've already eliminated one niche of nerds (non perverts), so eliminating role players is the proverbial strike two. It doesn't seem like good business to rule out potential subscribers.

Who does Age of Conan appeal to?

In it's conception, Age of Conan boasted massive promises of an untamed and unfriendly world with rampant PvP on both micro and macro levels. Although ultimately it didn't live up to its promises, Age of Conan PvP was surprisingly fun given the WoW alternative. A pair of low level characters could take down a high level player with the proper strategy, which was unheard of in that time-period of MMORPGs.

Enter Carebears.

The golden Age of Conan was extinguished by balance complaints and FunCom soon threw their hardcore audience under the chariot. The once fast-paced combat mechanic of preloading finishing moves for visceral combat was removed, which broke instant queued knockback moves allowing for them to be spammed infinitely. Then came a series of new patches that fixed obvious bugs, and created entirely new ones.

Most people quit before any expansions came out which supposedly revived the population to a degree, but I'd like to think that the damage was done already. Occasionally I get e-mails begging me to come back and play on a trial basis, but this doesn't work for girlfriends, and it won't work for this either.

I'm not entirely sure how much has changed since I gave up, but I can tell you for sure that I will never find out.


(-10) Hideous
(-10) Slow
(-10) Conan?
WoW Clone:
(+10) No
PvP Type:
(+10) FFA
PvP Risk:
(-10) Time Wasted
Arnold Look-Alike:
(-10,000) GET TO THE CHOPPA!

Final Score: Shitpile

The Best Thing About Age of Conan? Comedy.


  1. I see you did AoC, thanks, it was a fun read : )

  2. I didn't really cover all my points, and it was a bit short. Meh.

  3. OMG, laughed my ass off at that video. Keep up the good work.


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